Saturday, September 6, 2008

Updates from Friday-Saturday

Before the updates I have a little unfinished business. First off, so sorry I published the last post without Spell-check first. I'm an atrocious (better Spell-check that)-speller, and I depend on it. Secondly, sorry I didn't make it to Enrichment on Thursday. I was really looking forward to some 'me' time -(and I even had my nightgown out and ready)- but alas, I had some last minute Wedding Production to do. I'm sure it was a great evening. Again, I'm sorry I missed it.

Ok- on to Thursday. If you haven't read my last blog, none of this will make any sense, be warned. Read at your own risk.

Thursday I had a very nice phone conversation with Mr Brown from the Alcoholism Council. He was trying to reach Joey, but in the end we both agreed that this was a much better-much needed conversation. First off, he gave me some specific ideas on how to get Joey back into the final assessment meeting without having to wait 3 weeks for the next appointment. That was helpful. Then he pretty much gave me a pep talk. It was nice to hear. I think I am done with thinking that all of this trouble with Joey is my fault. That I'm a bad mother because of it. There really are things I could have done better, his education for one. But, in the end, it is his choice to use this as an excuse, or move on productively with his life. Is it an embarrassment? of course it is. But it is not my choice, these are his destructive behaviors. So, Mr Brown confirmed all that to me. He also said I was doing really well with my choices of when to help and when not to. It can be difficult to know when it is enabling, and when it is helping. Then he said something that made me cry. Mr Brown said that he could tell that Joey was raised right. I had done a good job raising him in a Christian home. Really, I cryed. And I told him that he made me cry. Then Mr Brown said, "well, sometimes you just have to let those floodgates open and let it out. Let the emotions out. It's a good thing". What a nice guy. Like I said, he really made me feel better about the whole situation.

Then came Saturday. I stayed in bed Saturday morning debating about going in to work or not. My hours were really pitiful this week because of all the Joey stuff. Then Madeline called at about 9 (right when I would have left) to ask me to pick her up from a sleepover. The rest of the morning there was a debate about where we were going to go for the day. For once, Bari and I both had the day off without any weddings or meetings. Just as Bari bought tickets on line for the Zoo (I had never gone there) I got THE CALL. I can't say I was surprised. I was hoping it would be different, though. Yep, Joey called. He was even more sick than before. He now had severe diarrhea, cramping and still couldn't sleep all night. And worse than that, he kept saying over and over,"I just can't take this any more, I just can't take this". I asked what that meant. He said he was tempted to just give everything up, and forget about trying to stay clean. And what did that mean??? More importantly, what did he expect ME to do about it? He called the clinic that Good Sam had referred him to, but it isn't open on the weekends. It is an out patient clinic. I did have the director call me though. He (also) was very nice. He (I can't remember his name) suggested we go back to the hospital and tell them what is going on. He also suggested Joey get emotional support from somewhere. So, at 11:30 or so, I left and went to the eastside (again) and took him to a hospital. (again) This really was worse. He is so defeated. He kept saying that if it wasn't for his friends, he would have done something stupid by now. I did my best not to cry.

We were at the hospital until 4 or 4:30. Bari, Bari Ray, Madeline and Sam all went to the Zoo without me. Bari bought a family pass though, so we (hopefully) will be going back soon.

Back at the hospital, Joey kept telling the nurse that he needed something stronger to help him. She of course (in a very nice, but firm way) told he wasn't going to get anything else. We did get a prescription for a medicine that was prescribed at Good Sam in a patch form, only this time in a pill form. I didn't get the patch because I just couldn't afford it. Thank heaven's the pills were a fraction of the cost. So, in the end. I took him back to Batavia, and cryed all the way home. Bari asked why I was so low this time, much more than the last time at the hospital. I think I was cautiously optimistic last time. This time he seems so defeated. He has such little hope for himself. I can't even tell you how sad that makes me feel. My 21 year old son feels he has no hope.

Madeline asked how Joey was doing. They (Sam and Madeline) know he's been in the hospital, but not for what specific reason. I told her he was trying to get better, but what he really needed was prayers.

Well, I've re-read and Spell Checked. We'll see how the rest of the weekend pans out. I'm looking forward to Church tomorrow. I miss you all. Oh, I better get cracken' on that Class Presentation! I think I'm doing the 'Whole Armor of God'. I need it. It's a lesson that can't be taught too many times.

Oh, and thank you for all of your kind word. I have read all the comments and REALLY appreciate all your thoughts and prayers on my and my family's behalf.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Lifes' little challenges. . . . .

If you thought I already blogged about everything in my life, you were wrong. I have had a couple of weeks' worth of little challenges. I think I've hinted about my oldest son and his lack of good choices. If I've ever miss-stated anything, that would probably be it. He has gone from making foolish choices, to being just plain stupid. A couple of weeks ago he dissappeared for almost 10 days. Now, he's been living out of my house for over 3 years, and I don't always hear from him consistantly. He's all boy, and doesn't communicate very well (or at all). Anyway. This time, I knew he was in trouble. Very big trouble. I have known for a while that he had been selling drugs. It broke my heart. Then things got worse. The last 8 months he has been doing Meth. I cryed (and screamed and swore) when I heard it. He was not encouraged to stay at our house. We were afraid about anyone coming to see him, or any other problems that might come from his drug use or business. Then he got in trouble AGAIN- and I think I blogged about him having to see a Probation Officer.

So, I'm at my wit's end, I haven't heard anything for almost 2 weeks, I pray on the way to work that I will at LEAST hear from him. I wasn't asking for any Devine intervention, he needs to pay restitution for all he had done up until now, but I needed to hear from him. While I'm at work, Katy calls. She and Josh had a funeral to attend that day. One of Josh's cousins saw Katy and told her that he knew where Joey was. Incredible. Katy told the cousin, to tell Joey that we love him, and that he needed to CALL HIS MOTHER! About 30 minutes after that call, Joey called me. It was a really hard conversation. I was happy to hear from him, but I was not going to enable him. At all. Nada. He seemed calm, but not feeling well. He said he didn't have any money, no car, no phone, and was being supported by his friend. He also said he was trying to stay clean. Yea, yea, yea, talk to the hand. I felt terrible after that conversation. I wanted desperately to help, but knew I shouldn't. I felt like a terrible mother, and I was afraid that he would feel abandoned.

I didn't hear from him for a couple more days. Then he called on Tuesday and told me he had an appointment at the Alcoholism Council that afternoon, but no way to get there. I told him that I would take him IF he called his Prob. Officer and talked to her. He did, so I agreed. Somehow, I felt this was a breakthrough. I took Joey to his meeting, and had the opportunity to also talk with his counsellor. It came down to just a couple of choices. Joey needs intensive drug therapy. Mr Brown highly recommended a 3 day a week program. Joey said that would be a hardship on his family. Man, talk about feeling guilty. I want to do all I can, but he was right, 3 days a week would be really difficult. So, we started talking about facilities where he could stay during his treatment. Somewhere in the middle of this meeting, I was absolutely over come with the reality of my son's addiction, and the seriousness of Meth addiction specifically. I found out (and Mr Brown, with all his experience- believed him) that Joey had been going Cold Turkey for over a week. It was incredible he had come so far all on his own. Anyway, we weren't able to place Joey at that time, we were supposed to go back and sign papers and have another meeting the next day.

When I came home, I had to try to explain all of this to Bari. It was hard to get across that Joey REALLY was trying to get better. Bari was very suspicious. I don't blame him. But sometimes I just want support without discussion.

The next day (Wednesday) Joey was sick and wanted to go to the hospital. He had gone 10 days without any additional medication helping him through withdrawl. He had heard from his friends that it could take a year to clear all the medicine out of his system. A YEAR!!! Well, an amazing thing happened. On the ride to the hospital he really opened up to me. He told me that his first addiction was the money. That he wouldn't have done the drugs if he had known how much money it actually cost him ($80 a pill). And that he had enough money (and access to drugs) to have overdosed without a problem. WHAT??????? He also told me when/how he decided to give it all up. This drug is incredible - in all the wrong ways. Anyway. Because we spent 3 1/2 hours at the Emergency room, he missed his appointment. He is trying to get back to see Mr Brown next week. Joey has an appointment with his Prob. Officer tomorrow.

I can see a difference in him. If we had to spend that much time in the waiting room before, he would have been - impatient, angry, belligerent, restless. But, besides the normal 'slightly irritated' way we all feel in an emergency room, he was fine. Oh, and besides feeling sick from the withdrawl.

I know this is all very early. But I have to be a LITTLE optimistic about my son. I am well aware that there will be many ups and downs. But at least he is showing some intention of wanting to make a good choice.

So, that was my week, anyone watch Project Runway?