Usually I look forward to the changing seasons. I love watching the small changes in color in the trees. The air is crisp.
The first year of my divorce, I counted time through the seasons. My divorce was final on October 31st, so it was well into fall. As time moved forward into winter and then spring, I realized it was too difficult to think in terms of days and months, but I could say, 'well, I made it through winter and spring. That wasn't so bad. It is almost summer, and then it will be fall again.' Before I knew it, I had made it through my first year as a single parent.
Now, I am watching summer fade into autumn. But this year I don't want it to go. I don't want time to move forward. Maybe I'm just not ready. That's the thing about time, it moves on whether you want it to or not.
And I don't want it to.
I try to really analyze what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. Sad. That's pretty much how I'm feeling. Not all the time though. But even though I might not be sad at any particular moment, I find myself moving slowly. I am behind in my projects at work. I am behind in my responsibilities at home. I care very much about this. It worries me, and adds to my sadness.
No, this year I am not ready for the happiness of summer to leave. I want one more cookout at Katy's with my whole family there. One more gathering. One more moment...because before I know it, winter will turn to spring, and spring to summer...and I will have lived a whole year without Joey.