Needless to say, by the time we got to the funeral, I was in deep denial.
It it too hard to put in words what it feels like when you realize that you will never..on this earth...hear your son's voice again.
The funeral was beautiful, so many people. So many people I didn't know. I had heard that the parking lot was full. Not everyone stayed for the Memorial Service. It was touching. Dane gave a wonderful tribute to his brother. I heard that there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
After the service, Dane and Yuka, Randy, Susan and Ben, Katy, Josh and the boys, Bari and I, Sam and Madeline came back to my house. Sis Anderson had set up a wonderful buffet of salads and sandwich fixings. We sat and talked for quite a while. I gave Katy and Dane some of the pictures that I had printed up. I had made 2 large collages from pictures from my photo albums. I let them take whatever pictures from there that they wanted. It's better that they have those of Joey now. Putting them back into my albums doesn't make sense..no one will see them. Let the kids keep those memories now.
After they had left, and I had taken a nap, Bari, Madeline and I went to the movies. We saw Men In Black 3. Does that seem strange? I needed a release of some kind..I needed escape.. It was good to just Not Think for a while.
It doesn't matter though..how much you try to escape, or deny or avoid. Because at some time, sooner or later. Usually sooner I guess. Something will surprise you..surprise you into remembering a tiny piece of life that you thought you had long forgotten. But it is there. Triggered by a word or a picture or a thought....
....then you realize that you won't hear that voice again. Won't have him walk into a room...won't call..will never call. Won't hear that voice.
I went through my saved voice-mail on my phone today. Just hoping that there was one from Joey.
Some day I will get mad about all of this. I will be angry about what he did. But right now I'm still sad, and learning on how to accept the truth.
2 comments:
From my own experience, you may still hear Joey's voice but only a little differently. It might come from a song on the radio, a rerun of a TV show, a phone call from a friend, a lost picture stuck in a drawer, and most certainly in your granddaughter's voice as she grows up. You may see his hands in hers, his talents in hers, his smile in hers and so on. The Lord works in very mysterious ways, and he loves you too. Sending big hugs from my heart to yours.
I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be there in person.
I don't think it's odd at all that you did something as normal as go see a movie... sometimes you really do need something to feel "normal" again and to distract you.
Keep hanging in there. I love ya sis.
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